This week was a pretty tough week for me. Work has been real crazy again. I've started riding the school bus to and from school to give some extra support to a kid who needs it, who we will call "John." John is one of our older, larger boys. It has been a real blessing for me. I've got to have more real conversation with "John" and have had the opportunity to see where our kids live. "John" and I seem to be bonding at a pretty good level. The students point out places along the way where the play, skateboard, shop, ect... It has been eye opening and helps to see where their life is at.
So my Thursday went like this. "John" was having another rough day. I'm not sure what led up to it, but I witnessed "John" slugging one of our teachers. He spent the rest of the day in "In House Suspension" where I often spend a majority of my time. So, my day really gets crazy on our bus ride home. "John" seemed to be in a pretty space, considering what had gone on that day, which I was thankful for. Things are a little on edge, kids start "playing" with each other, calling each names, inappropriate talk, ect. A 7year old kid we'll call "Jacob," who has slight autism, begins to scream, which is making some of the kids annoyed and more on edge. We stopped to drop off our first kid, we'll call him "Kurt." "Kurt" is a 7 year old small boy. I knew that once "Kurt" was off the bus, things would begin to calm down. When we arrived at "Kurt's" house, no one was there at his home. So he can't get off the bus. "Kurt," probably feeling pretty insecure, starts to go crazy. He tries to jump over the sit to get out anyway, I ask him to sit back in his seat, which he doesn't do, but at least stays where he was standing on the seat. He starts to jump up and down and starts swearing at me calling me every name in the book. If you can think of it, he probably said it. This whole thing sets "John" off. He gets out of his seat, places his hands on "Kurt's" shirt collar and starts yelling at him to sit down, calling him every name in the book. I step in between them to get "John's" hands off of "Kurt." "John" releases "Kurt" and turns to me with his fists clinched and points his anger at me calling me every name in the book. After what I witnessed "John" do earlier in the day to a fellow teacher, my heart started pumping a little faster. I stood my ground, knowing that if I move, he is probably gonna punch, "Kurt." So I stood my ground, not know if his fists where going to fly at my gut or face, asking "John" to please sit back in his seat. He finally sits back down while still calling me names at the top of his lungs in utter frustration. Oh, yeah, "Jacob" is still yelling through this whole ordeal. "Kurt" who sees an opportunity runs for the bus door. I some how get between him and the door, knowing that if gets out of the door, it could be real trouble, not to mention he is feeling pretty out of control and his arms have begun to swing at anyone that says anything to him including the little girl in the front sit. So I'm there blocking and trying protect anyone else from being swung at. "Kurt" begins to hit me, he's 7 so it's not a big deal. I eventually get him redirected to his sit so that the bus can continue on with the run, while we figure out where we can drop of "Kurt." We eventually get a hold of his dad and after waiting another shaky 15 minutes, comes and gets him at his house. "John" has since calmed way down and I'm able to have a conversation with him about the happenings. He tells me sorry and we have a pretty good conversation after that about helping out the younger kids and his dealing with frustration and anger. We drop off the other kids and continue on to drop off "John" where no one is there at his house. He becomes a little nervous, but is able to handle it while we wait for another 10 minutes for his auntie to come home. Needless to say when I got off the bus, I shed a few tears, feeling extremely inadequate, helpless, and drained.
So, the next morning, I am waiting for the school bus to pick me up, not sure if I'm ready to face these kids again. Feeling inadequate, a little scared, a little angry, drained, and not sure if I can greet the students, especially "Kurt" and "John." Needless to say, I was frustrated with them. When all of a sudden, I hear in my head, "My mercies are new every morning." And God gives me the mercy and strength to move on from that and greet them with a smile, a high five, or a hug. God reminded me that His mercies are new every morning for me. I screw up royally sometimes and rebel against him and he gives me his mercies again and again. God, miraculously, helped me to do the same with these kids. I'm also continually reminded of their unstable lives, which cause them to become unstable. If I were living their lives, I would probably be in their same boat.
A lot of days I feel helpless. Helpless to help the kids at school, helpless to help dear friends in pain and need, helpless to live this new life God calls us to. And when I feel helpless, I sometimes get down on myself, get frustrated, get angry. I want to be able to help, I want to be able to be a part of healing for people, and sometimes I realize that I can't. That's when God reminds me that I need to let go, that He is in control, that He ultimately does the healing and reminds that his mercies are new every morning for me.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Israel - Born out of Slavery and Wandering
Ok, so I'm trying to play catch up. I've been meaning to write for some time and have not made the time to do it. So this may be a bunch of random thoughts that may end up connecting in the end. We'll see. This is some more reflection of my read through the bible.
Again, God works and does things so unlike we humans would do them. So, God allows Joseph to be sold into slavery to get him to Egypt. He becomes a great leader and organizer there. Then God eventually commands Israel (Joseph's papa) to go to Egypt to see his son. It is here in Egypt that God tells Israel he will be made into a great nation. Now it's my guess that when Jacob heard this he didn't think that the great nation would flourish by being put into slavery. God is a strange one. But, that is what he does. If I were God, and thank God that I'm not, but if I were, I would have placed Israel in the promised land right from the start. It would have been whole lot easier and faster. All this slavery and wandering around in the desert doesn't seem like the quickest way to the promised land.
So why does God do it this way? Well, it seems in my humble opinion that it is three fold. One, that the people of Israel would become a holy (set apart) people of God. It is in their exodus that God really begins to set them apart. In the Passover sequence, the first thing God does is begins a new calendar for Israel. A different calendar it seems from the rest of the nations. The first thing that we hear from God in the commands for the Passover is this, "This month is to be FOR YOU the first month, the first month of your year." So, Israels deliverance is the beginning of a new way of keeping time. It may seem small, but it says that God is charge of our time, and it is different then how other nations do it. Our rhythm of life is different then yours. God is in charge of our rhythm of life. The rhythm of life continues to be set apart when God commands that the Passover will need to celebrated every year. I find it interesting that God commands this even before it all happens. It is so important that this is celebrated that God tells them that those that do not celebrate the Passover need to be cut off from the community of Israel. This is some commitment to a celebration and remembrance. It is important. It is important to their rhythm of life, it is a remembrance that other's don't celebrate, and it is an identity former. It begins to form their identity to the point of saying that if you don't do it, you are not a part. In the desert God also gives them a Sabbath. Which again is a new rhythm of life that is not like any where else. Besides setting them apart as a people of God, Passover of course reminds them that God has delivered and provided.
Which is the second reason I see God has done things the way he did them. Without their deliverance and wandering through the desert, Israel would never learn that God is trustworthy. Ok, ok, some may ask if they EVER really trusted and got it, but they had the opportunity to learn. Yes, it amazes me how much they grumbled about wandering around in the desert wishing they were back in captivity. "Where are you God?" And then I think of me and am amazed about how much I don't trust and wish God would have lead me to different places. And how I take more then my share of the manna for fear God won't provide for the next day. God provided enough for them to eat their fill and still some didn't trust. Reminds me of myself. (See my note God Provides) God then does gives them another lasting reminder of God's provision by commanding that a jar be filled with manna and placed in front of the Testimony. Cool that it is called the Testimony. A testimony of what God has done. Which brings me to the number three.
I find interesting in how often the phrase "That they (Egyptians) will know that I am Lord" is used. It seems to pop up everywhere in some form another. Israel was not made for itself. It was formed for the nations. God works through Israel to let the nations know who is really God. I think it has to do with number one above. Israel is not just set apart for their sake, to keep them protected as a nice little nation, but for the benefit that the Nations would see the Glory of God. How do we as whole people of God do this today?? I think about the state of today's Church a lot. And am saddened many times by it, but I know that God is still in control. Israel didn't always obey, didn't always live as God commanded, but many times God's glory and might were still seen because God was at work, not because Israel was a always a faithful people. Do we still need to strive to be a people set apart, of course, and we need to continually listen and obey, but I know that even when we screw up God is ultimately in control. So, maybe, this connected a lot better then I thought. Sweet.
Again, God works and does things so unlike we humans would do them. So, God allows Joseph to be sold into slavery to get him to Egypt. He becomes a great leader and organizer there. Then God eventually commands Israel (Joseph's papa) to go to Egypt to see his son. It is here in Egypt that God tells Israel he will be made into a great nation. Now it's my guess that when Jacob heard this he didn't think that the great nation would flourish by being put into slavery. God is a strange one. But, that is what he does. If I were God, and thank God that I'm not, but if I were, I would have placed Israel in the promised land right from the start. It would have been whole lot easier and faster. All this slavery and wandering around in the desert doesn't seem like the quickest way to the promised land.
So why does God do it this way? Well, it seems in my humble opinion that it is three fold. One, that the people of Israel would become a holy (set apart) people of God. It is in their exodus that God really begins to set them apart. In the Passover sequence, the first thing God does is begins a new calendar for Israel. A different calendar it seems from the rest of the nations. The first thing that we hear from God in the commands for the Passover is this, "This month is to be FOR YOU the first month, the first month of your year." So, Israels deliverance is the beginning of a new way of keeping time. It may seem small, but it says that God is charge of our time, and it is different then how other nations do it. Our rhythm of life is different then yours. God is in charge of our rhythm of life. The rhythm of life continues to be set apart when God commands that the Passover will need to celebrated every year. I find it interesting that God commands this even before it all happens. It is so important that this is celebrated that God tells them that those that do not celebrate the Passover need to be cut off from the community of Israel. This is some commitment to a celebration and remembrance. It is important. It is important to their rhythm of life, it is a remembrance that other's don't celebrate, and it is an identity former. It begins to form their identity to the point of saying that if you don't do it, you are not a part. In the desert God also gives them a Sabbath. Which again is a new rhythm of life that is not like any where else. Besides setting them apart as a people of God, Passover of course reminds them that God has delivered and provided.
Which is the second reason I see God has done things the way he did them. Without their deliverance and wandering through the desert, Israel would never learn that God is trustworthy. Ok, ok, some may ask if they EVER really trusted and got it, but they had the opportunity to learn. Yes, it amazes me how much they grumbled about wandering around in the desert wishing they were back in captivity. "Where are you God?" And then I think of me and am amazed about how much I don't trust and wish God would have lead me to different places. And how I take more then my share of the manna for fear God won't provide for the next day. God provided enough for them to eat their fill and still some didn't trust. Reminds me of myself. (See my note God Provides) God then does gives them another lasting reminder of God's provision by commanding that a jar be filled with manna and placed in front of the Testimony. Cool that it is called the Testimony. A testimony of what God has done. Which brings me to the number three.
I find interesting in how often the phrase "That they (Egyptians) will know that I am Lord" is used. It seems to pop up everywhere in some form another. Israel was not made for itself. It was formed for the nations. God works through Israel to let the nations know who is really God. I think it has to do with number one above. Israel is not just set apart for their sake, to keep them protected as a nice little nation, but for the benefit that the Nations would see the Glory of God. How do we as whole people of God do this today?? I think about the state of today's Church a lot. And am saddened many times by it, but I know that God is still in control. Israel didn't always obey, didn't always live as God commanded, but many times God's glory and might were still seen because God was at work, not because Israel was a always a faithful people. Do we still need to strive to be a people set apart, of course, and we need to continually listen and obey, but I know that even when we screw up God is ultimately in control. So, maybe, this connected a lot better then I thought. Sweet.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Struggling with God Part II
The story of Jacob continues to amaze me. He continues to deceive and connive to get his way, and God continues to bless. God's blessing to Jacob was the he would "give you of heaven's dew and of earth's richness-an abundance of grain and new wine." God follows through with his promise even though Jacob continues to live like a conniving son of a gun. But, the interesting thing is his struggle with God continues. So here is Jacob, he comes into the land of his Uncle Laban. He gets two wives, who in their competition for Jacob's love, bare him son after son after son, even if it's not of themselves. And when they themselves can't bare children, they offer Jacob their maidservants to bear more children from them. And the 12 tribes of Israel are born. Ahh what a Beautiful beginning......? Jacob then THINKS he is in control of getting rich and powerful. Jacob wants to go home but Laban insists that he stays since Jacob has worked hard for Laban and increased Laban's livestock in great numbers. So Jacob says "ok, I'll stay, but since I have worked so hard for you, give me some of the livestock. I'll even take the crappy livestock, the ones with blemishes. And I'll keep any livestock that is born with blemishes and give you any "clean" ones." So..... what does Jacob do, what anyone would do and place blemished sticks in front of the mating livestock so that the mating livestock would see the blemished sticks and bear blemished livestock. I think I learned it my college biology class once too. Then Jacob THINKS he is playing God by mating the strong livestock in front of sticks and weak livestock not in front of sticks. It works. Jacob thinks he is in charge. Laban continues to change the rules on Jacob and says He can only keep the spotted ones,or the stripped ones, well, Jacob continues to miraculously bear these livestocks. Jacob finally realizes maybe it's not these sticks at all, but God is doing the blessing. God's promise of blessing comes through competition, greed, and deception. How often do you feel like we are in control? How often do we come up with a program that will bring the lost to salvation? According to this story, God's got a plan, and it's gonna come to it's fullness no matter what. Weather it be through deception, greed, or honesty, God's story will continue. Now, I'm not saying we need to sit back and do nothing, or that it doesn't matter weather we live like God wants us to or not, but that it seems like the Big Picture story of God salvation of the world is gonna continue no matter how we do it or THINK it should be done.
God does teach Jacob a lesson though. He literally comes down to wrestle and struggle with Jacob. Jacob's lesson, he can't do it on his own. Jacob is humbled. Half way through the match, Jacob is doing pretty well, giving God a run for his money. It looks like Jacob is gonna get the pin, but then God says, Jacob you are not in control, let me be in control, and boom, God hits Jacob in the hip and gives him a handicap. It reminds of Paul and his thorn in his flesh. It is because of his weakness that grace can abound. It is because of weakness that God can work. I need to see that it is not me in control, that I am not in charge, and sometimes need reminders of my weakness and need for him. Only then can God truly work through me. It is not me at work, but God. I will continue to struggle with God. God will continue to give me my thorns in my flesh, so God will remind me that I can't beat him, that I need him, that it is Him at work, that his GRACE abounds. That His Promises are true no matter what I do. When I look for fulfillment in other places, God's promise that He will take care of me will continue. When I don't feel loved, his promise of his love to me continues. When I hurt those around me, God's promise of forgiveness and reconciliation is still there. God's plan will continue. My struggle with God continues.
God does teach Jacob a lesson though. He literally comes down to wrestle and struggle with Jacob. Jacob's lesson, he can't do it on his own. Jacob is humbled. Half way through the match, Jacob is doing pretty well, giving God a run for his money. It looks like Jacob is gonna get the pin, but then God says, Jacob you are not in control, let me be in control, and boom, God hits Jacob in the hip and gives him a handicap. It reminds of Paul and his thorn in his flesh. It is because of his weakness that grace can abound. It is because of weakness that God can work. I need to see that it is not me in control, that I am not in charge, and sometimes need reminders of my weakness and need for him. Only then can God truly work through me. It is not me at work, but God. I will continue to struggle with God. God will continue to give me my thorns in my flesh, so God will remind me that I can't beat him, that I need him, that it is Him at work, that his GRACE abounds. That His Promises are true no matter what I do. When I look for fulfillment in other places, God's promise that He will take care of me will continue. When I don't feel loved, his promise of his love to me continues. When I hurt those around me, God's promise of forgiveness and reconciliation is still there. God's plan will continue. My struggle with God continues.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Struggling with God
I just don't get God sometimes.....In fact this morning I got darn right angry at him for something He allowed way back in Genesis. Some friends and I are reading the Bible in a year together. It has already proven to be a great growth thing for me in understanding the the character of God, which for me I guess I just don't get. So, today was the reading of Jacob and Esau. And it seems so unfair. While ok, let's be honest, Esau was probably not the brightest light in the place. Could he really have been that hungry to give up his birthright?? He must have been real hungry or not very strong willed or Jacob again was just being a bully.
"I will not give you any food unless you give me your birthright." I can just imagine it. Anyway, but then that Jacob and his mother would deceive his father into giving him the blessing of becoming a great nation when it rightfully belonged to Esau. AND that this is where God's people, Israel, will come from. God's people came from deception. God blessed the deceiver. It seems so strange. Then, God not only allows his people to come from Jacob's line, but then changes his name to Israel, and that God's people would forever be known as Israelites. It's crazy...... I just don't get it. I mean, why aren't they called the nation of Abraham. He was faithful, sure Abraham had his issues too, but come on......Jacob outright deceived. Then I remember what Israel means, "Struggles with God." And I am somewhat comforted. So.. God's people, God's society, the people that He wants to use to bring all nations to Himself, the people that the whole world will watch to see the glory of God, is called "Struggles with God." Not The Perfect Nation, not the Holy of Holies, Not the nation that Walked hand in hand with God and skipped into the Sunset, but Struggles with God. Israel did have their struggles with God, they rejected him, they looked to other places to be provided for, the worshiped other Gods, and yet God never gave up on His people and the idea that all the nations would be blessed because of Israel. I guess there is hope for me..... I've been struggling with God again....Who he has made me to be, the things he has called me to, who He is, will He provide, I look to so many other places for fulfillment, and yet maybe God can still use me. I'm still not I get why choose his people to come from named after a deceiver like Jacob, but I am thankful, because today it has given me hope.
"I will not give you any food unless you give me your birthright." I can just imagine it. Anyway, but then that Jacob and his mother would deceive his father into giving him the blessing of becoming a great nation when it rightfully belonged to Esau. AND that this is where God's people, Israel, will come from. God's people came from deception. God blessed the deceiver. It seems so strange. Then, God not only allows his people to come from Jacob's line, but then changes his name to Israel, and that God's people would forever be known as Israelites. It's crazy...... I just don't get it. I mean, why aren't they called the nation of Abraham. He was faithful, sure Abraham had his issues too, but come on......Jacob outright deceived. Then I remember what Israel means, "Struggles with God." And I am somewhat comforted. So.. God's people, God's society, the people that He wants to use to bring all nations to Himself, the people that the whole world will watch to see the glory of God, is called "Struggles with God." Not The Perfect Nation, not the Holy of Holies, Not the nation that Walked hand in hand with God and skipped into the Sunset, but Struggles with God. Israel did have their struggles with God, they rejected him, they looked to other places to be provided for, the worshiped other Gods, and yet God never gave up on His people and the idea that all the nations would be blessed because of Israel. I guess there is hope for me..... I've been struggling with God again....Who he has made me to be, the things he has called me to, who He is, will He provide, I look to so many other places for fulfillment, and yet maybe God can still use me. I'm still not I get why choose his people to come from named after a deceiver like Jacob, but I am thankful, because today it has given me hope.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Work of Art
"We are, not metaphorically, but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something which He will not be satisfied unitl it has a certain character." C.S. Lewis-The Problem of Pain
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:7-11
"God wants to give something, but cannot, because our hands are full, there's nowhere for Him to put it." St. Augustine
"And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have have to discover. The life life to themselves and their families stands between them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them. I call this a divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up "our own" when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had." C.S. Lewis- The Problem of Pain
My friend Seth and I have been reading and discussing C.S. Lewis' Problem of Pain. The last chapter hit me where I was. Life got crazy. Work got crazy. Kids at work were out of control. They have such huge issues in their lives that I can't fix. I was feeling inadequate and really hard on myself. Life in community was starting to wear on me. People all the time. Feeling like I wasn't good enough. So where did I go to fill my insecurities and holes. Two places, food and other people. I have come to realize that this are my go tos. Now, I've realized that both of these are needed and good. But, when I go to them expecting them to fill me, I continue to not be filled. When I get upset because people don't do as I wish, because people don't put ME as their first priority, it becomes a huge issue. I become prideful and selfish. When I want to eat everything in sight to fill some sort of control issue I have, it just doesn't work. So as C.S. Lewis talks about, pain pushes us to God because HE is the only one that can fill my need. It pushes into a better life, the life God intended for us. We realize that the way we are living is not that great. That maybe diving into the bible and truly finding the life that God calls us too really is better.
A friend of mine as been asking the question of us, "what do I need more then God?" For me it as been food and people. And God is starting to help me to realize that these things will not do it for me. C.S. Lewis says, "We are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved, we are rebels who must lay down our our arms.... But to surrender a self-will inflamed and swollen with years of usurpation is a kind of death...Hence the necessity to die daily: however often we think we have broken the rebellious self we shall still find it alive." Now, I can't do this on my own. I need people around me to encourage me to die daily. But, when I put others as my focal point of my true need, it just doesn't work.
Thankfully, this time around, I didn't sink too far. God reminded me of this all early on and I didn't continue to find all my need in other things. But, that reminder to die daily is so real and so difficult. To realize that nothing will fill me except God and the life that He as for me is difficult but so necessary. C.S. Lewis early on in the book he talks about living the way God has called and that "Divine goodness differs from ours. It differs from ours not as white and black but as a perfect circle from a child's first attempt to draw a wheel. But when the child has learned to draw, it will know that the circle it then makes is what it was trying to make from the very beginning." So right now my circle is probably more like a square or maybe not even and identifiable object. But I'm learning to draw, it is a process, it is a journey. Sometimes I move forward, sometimes I move backward. But, I do know that the life that God is calling me too is far better then what this world has to offer. God calls us to a life of sacrifice and giving, not always easy, but so much better.
"But God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness."
Hebrews 12
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:7-11
"God wants to give something, but cannot, because our hands are full, there's nowhere for Him to put it." St. Augustine
"And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have have to discover. The life life to themselves and their families stands between them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them. I call this a divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up "our own" when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had." C.S. Lewis- The Problem of Pain
My friend Seth and I have been reading and discussing C.S. Lewis' Problem of Pain. The last chapter hit me where I was. Life got crazy. Work got crazy. Kids at work were out of control. They have such huge issues in their lives that I can't fix. I was feeling inadequate and really hard on myself. Life in community was starting to wear on me. People all the time. Feeling like I wasn't good enough. So where did I go to fill my insecurities and holes. Two places, food and other people. I have come to realize that this are my go tos. Now, I've realized that both of these are needed and good. But, when I go to them expecting them to fill me, I continue to not be filled. When I get upset because people don't do as I wish, because people don't put ME as their first priority, it becomes a huge issue. I become prideful and selfish. When I want to eat everything in sight to fill some sort of control issue I have, it just doesn't work. So as C.S. Lewis talks about, pain pushes us to God because HE is the only one that can fill my need. It pushes into a better life, the life God intended for us. We realize that the way we are living is not that great. That maybe diving into the bible and truly finding the life that God calls us too really is better.
A friend of mine as been asking the question of us, "what do I need more then God?" For me it as been food and people. And God is starting to help me to realize that these things will not do it for me. C.S. Lewis says, "We are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved, we are rebels who must lay down our our arms.... But to surrender a self-will inflamed and swollen with years of usurpation is a kind of death...Hence the necessity to die daily: however often we think we have broken the rebellious self we shall still find it alive." Now, I can't do this on my own. I need people around me to encourage me to die daily. But, when I put others as my focal point of my true need, it just doesn't work.
Thankfully, this time around, I didn't sink too far. God reminded me of this all early on and I didn't continue to find all my need in other things. But, that reminder to die daily is so real and so difficult. To realize that nothing will fill me except God and the life that He as for me is difficult but so necessary. C.S. Lewis early on in the book he talks about living the way God has called and that "Divine goodness differs from ours. It differs from ours not as white and black but as a perfect circle from a child's first attempt to draw a wheel. But when the child has learned to draw, it will know that the circle it then makes is what it was trying to make from the very beginning." So right now my circle is probably more like a square or maybe not even and identifiable object. But I'm learning to draw, it is a process, it is a journey. Sometimes I move forward, sometimes I move backward. But, I do know that the life that God is calling me too is far better then what this world has to offer. God calls us to a life of sacrifice and giving, not always easy, but so much better.
"But God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness."
Hebrews 12
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saving the World and Arguing with God!
"What are you guys doing?" Asked people on a dirty street in San Francisco.
A 7 year old with a glove on one hand and garbage bag in the other responded excitedly, "We're saving the world."
Our classroom spent time cleaning our corner of the city. Our plan was to go to the beach and help clean up from the oil spill. But, wisely, the city closed all the beaches. So instead we cleaned up our block. It was great. People gave great words of encouragement to our kids and our kids gave a great example what joyful service is. They raced each other with mostly smiles and laughter to garbage on the sidewalk to "save the world. They were an example of "doing something." I listened to a sermon a couple weeks ago and the pastor was saying that sometimes we see the greatness of the worlds need and get so overwhelmed that we get frozen and don't do anything. He said, "We can't do everything, but we can do something." The oil spill looks so huge and will take years to clean up, but we can do something. We can clean up the little corner of our neighborhood.
So some of you may be wondering what I ended up doing with the money God provided for me to give away. Well, it turned out much differently then expected. So the homeless guy that I had been seeing must have relocated for now, so I was back to square 1 as to what God wanted me to do with this money. So on my way work one day this week, I argued with God. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to control where it went to, who it went to, and make sure it was used for a "worthy" cause. He said, "just give it away. I'm in control, and oh, yeah, Nate, remember that you haven't always used what I have given you wisely, but I still provide for you." Ok, Ok, so in the midst of this argument a guy walks up and asks for money for food. Ok, Ok, God I get it. So I with shaky unsure hands give him some money still scared that it will get used for unwise things. He grinned and said that now he can go to McDonalds and have a real feast. Then I get to work and find out that one of our kids families is need of food, so I'm buying a food gift card for groceries.
Do I still feel a little uncomfortable about all this?? Yes, but this time, anyway, God said, "Just give. I'm in control."
God is teaching me a lot about simplicity and making more room in my life for Him and what He wants. It's tough sometimes. It means sacrifice I don't think I'm read for yet. It means a lot of trust that I don't think I have yet. Do I trust that God will really provide? Do I really trust that God will give me what I need? My desire for wants is still greater then for what I just need.
Lord, help to give up what I want to hold to. Help me to give up what I think will give me security, what I think I need to sustain me. Help me to give up security for what You want. I know that Your calling, Your way of life, is far better then what this world has to offer. Help to know this at my core. Help me to trust you. Teach me trust. Help me to give up control and give with great abandon. Help me to give up lovers less wild for you and your truly wild love.
A 7 year old with a glove on one hand and garbage bag in the other responded excitedly, "We're saving the world."
Our classroom spent time cleaning our corner of the city. Our plan was to go to the beach and help clean up from the oil spill. But, wisely, the city closed all the beaches. So instead we cleaned up our block. It was great. People gave great words of encouragement to our kids and our kids gave a great example what joyful service is. They raced each other with mostly smiles and laughter to garbage on the sidewalk to "save the world. They were an example of "doing something." I listened to a sermon a couple weeks ago and the pastor was saying that sometimes we see the greatness of the worlds need and get so overwhelmed that we get frozen and don't do anything. He said, "We can't do everything, but we can do something." The oil spill looks so huge and will take years to clean up, but we can do something. We can clean up the little corner of our neighborhood.
So some of you may be wondering what I ended up doing with the money God provided for me to give away. Well, it turned out much differently then expected. So the homeless guy that I had been seeing must have relocated for now, so I was back to square 1 as to what God wanted me to do with this money. So on my way work one day this week, I argued with God. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to control where it went to, who it went to, and make sure it was used for a "worthy" cause. He said, "just give it away. I'm in control, and oh, yeah, Nate, remember that you haven't always used what I have given you wisely, but I still provide for you." Ok, Ok, so in the midst of this argument a guy walks up and asks for money for food. Ok, Ok, God I get it. So I with shaky unsure hands give him some money still scared that it will get used for unwise things. He grinned and said that now he can go to McDonalds and have a real feast. Then I get to work and find out that one of our kids families is need of food, so I'm buying a food gift card for groceries.
Do I still feel a little uncomfortable about all this?? Yes, but this time, anyway, God said, "Just give. I'm in control."
God is teaching me a lot about simplicity and making more room in my life for Him and what He wants. It's tough sometimes. It means sacrifice I don't think I'm read for yet. It means a lot of trust that I don't think I have yet. Do I trust that God will really provide? Do I really trust that God will give me what I need? My desire for wants is still greater then for what I just need.
Lord, help to give up what I want to hold to. Help me to give up what I think will give me security, what I think I need to sustain me. Help me to give up security for what You want. I know that Your calling, Your way of life, is far better then what this world has to offer. Help to know this at my core. Help me to trust you. Teach me trust. Help me to give up control and give with great abandon. Help me to give up lovers less wild for you and your truly wild love.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The happens of Nate!
Hey everybody!
Well, here's an update of what's been going on in the life of Nate. I know again it's been a while since my last entry, so here's what's been going on since.
1. I experienced my first earthquake! It lasted over a minute but was only registered as a 5.6. But, it got my heart a pumping none the less!
2. I've started running again! It's been great! It gives me great energy and is great for my mind. I had to stop for a week because of some heel issues and really noticed a difference in my energy and state of mind! I've never enjoyed running until now!
3. I will be having a job change come Jan.! The IEP for the kid that I've been a 1 on1 for got rid of me. Basically, the public school district didn't want to or couldn't afford to pay me anymore. They actually wanted to get rid of me the day after his IEP, but our head teacher talked them into letting me stay through Dec. But Oakes wants to keep me, so they have created a position for me. Basically I'll be a float, go were I'm needed. Possibly doing some teaching in order to allow a couple teachers to have a planning period! It will provide great diversity in my job. I'm really loving it there. It continues to be tough, but really loving the kids.
4. God has again provided in a great way for me. So much that it brought me to tears. The apprentices put money away each month to put aside as God money. Do whatever we feel God wants us to do with it. We've been talking about Jubilee and the idea of wiping debts clean and a real God centered idea of economics. So the other apprentices decided that they wanted to help me pay off my debt. I felt extremely guilty at first, why should someone else pay off my stupid use of money. There are many other people in this world with greater need then me. But, I graciously accepted. With the idea too that this way I will be able to give more sooner! It has definitely helped put a better perspective on what I do with my money and use it wisely so I can give more.
5. With the rest of the money we are doing an experiment with it. We each have taken some in an envelope that we carry with us everywhere. We use it as we listen to God and His calling. We are praying that God open our eyes to the needs around us. We may take homeless out to eat, buy bus fare, ect. We want to make sure there is a relationship there, so we don't just want to give the money, but use to possibly form a relationship. So, when we take someone out to eat to eat with them, not just hand them money. We are super excited about it!! There is one homeless I guy I see almost everyday on my way to work that I want to start taking to breakfast. We'll see! I'll let ya know how it goes!
So, there are my top 5 things that have been going on with my life right now! I'm always growing which can be draining, but it is so good! Thank you who have given me continued words and prayers of encouragement! It means a lot!
Well, here's an update of what's been going on in the life of Nate. I know again it's been a while since my last entry, so here's what's been going on since.
1. I experienced my first earthquake! It lasted over a minute but was only registered as a 5.6. But, it got my heart a pumping none the less!
2. I've started running again! It's been great! It gives me great energy and is great for my mind. I had to stop for a week because of some heel issues and really noticed a difference in my energy and state of mind! I've never enjoyed running until now!
3. I will be having a job change come Jan.! The IEP for the kid that I've been a 1 on1 for got rid of me. Basically, the public school district didn't want to or couldn't afford to pay me anymore. They actually wanted to get rid of me the day after his IEP, but our head teacher talked them into letting me stay through Dec. But Oakes wants to keep me, so they have created a position for me. Basically I'll be a float, go were I'm needed. Possibly doing some teaching in order to allow a couple teachers to have a planning period! It will provide great diversity in my job. I'm really loving it there. It continues to be tough, but really loving the kids.
4. God has again provided in a great way for me. So much that it brought me to tears. The apprentices put money away each month to put aside as God money. Do whatever we feel God wants us to do with it. We've been talking about Jubilee and the idea of wiping debts clean and a real God centered idea of economics. So the other apprentices decided that they wanted to help me pay off my debt. I felt extremely guilty at first, why should someone else pay off my stupid use of money. There are many other people in this world with greater need then me. But, I graciously accepted. With the idea too that this way I will be able to give more sooner! It has definitely helped put a better perspective on what I do with my money and use it wisely so I can give more.
5. With the rest of the money we are doing an experiment with it. We each have taken some in an envelope that we carry with us everywhere. We use it as we listen to God and His calling. We are praying that God open our eyes to the needs around us. We may take homeless out to eat, buy bus fare, ect. We want to make sure there is a relationship there, so we don't just want to give the money, but use to possibly form a relationship. So, when we take someone out to eat to eat with them, not just hand them money. We are super excited about it!! There is one homeless I guy I see almost everyday on my way to work that I want to start taking to breakfast. We'll see! I'll let ya know how it goes!
So, there are my top 5 things that have been going on with my life right now! I'm always growing which can be draining, but it is so good! Thank you who have given me continued words and prayers of encouragement! It means a lot!
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