Mercies New Every Morning

This week was a pretty tough week for me. Work has been real crazy again. I've started riding the school bus to and from school to give some extra support to a kid who needs it, who we will call "John." John is one of our older, larger boys. It has been a real blessing for me. I've got to have more real conversation with "John" and have had the opportunity to see where our kids live. "John" and I seem to be bonding at a pretty good level. The students point out places along the way where the play, skateboard, shop, ect... It has been eye opening and helps to see where their life is at.
So my Thursday went like this. "John" was having another rough day. I'm not sure what led up to it, but I witnessed "John" slugging one of our teachers. He spent the rest of the day in "In House Suspension" where I often spend a majority of my time. So, my day really gets crazy on our bus ride home. "John" seemed to be in a pretty space, considering what had gone on that day, which I was thankful for. Things are a little on edge, kids start "playing" with each other, calling each names, inappropriate talk, ect. A 7year old kid we'll call "Jacob," who has slight autism, begins to scream, which is making some of the kids annoyed and more on edge. We stopped to drop off our first kid, we'll call him "Kurt." "Kurt" is a 7 year old small boy. I knew that once "Kurt" was off the bus, things would begin to calm down. When we arrived at "Kurt's" house, no one was there at his home. So he can't get off the bus. "Kurt," probably feeling pretty insecure, starts to go crazy. He tries to jump over the sit to get out anyway, I ask him to sit back in his seat, which he doesn't do, but at least stays where he was standing on the seat. He starts to jump up and down and starts swearing at me calling me every name in the book. If you can think of it, he probably said it. This whole thing sets "John" off. He gets out of his seat, places his hands on "Kurt's" shirt collar and starts yelling at him to sit down, calling him every name in the book. I step in between them to get "John's" hands off of "Kurt." "John" releases "Kurt" and turns to me with his fists clinched and points his anger at me calling me every name in the book. After what I witnessed "John" do earlier in the day to a fellow teacher, my heart started pumping a little faster. I stood my ground, knowing that if I move, he is probably gonna punch, "Kurt." So I stood my ground, not know if his fists where going to fly at my gut or face, asking "John" to please sit back in his seat. He finally sits back down while still calling me names at the top of his lungs in utter frustration. Oh, yeah, "Jacob" is still yelling through this whole ordeal. "Kurt" who sees an opportunity runs for the bus door. I some how get between him and the door, knowing that if gets out of the door, it could be real trouble, not to mention he is feeling pretty out of control and his arms have begun to swing at anyone that says anything to him including the little girl in the front sit. So I'm there blocking and trying protect anyone else from being swung at. "Kurt" begins to hit me, he's 7 so it's not a big deal. I eventually get him redirected to his sit so that the bus can continue on with the run, while we figure out where we can drop of "Kurt." We eventually get a hold of his dad and after waiting another shaky 15 minutes, comes and gets him at his house. "John" has since calmed way down and I'm able to have a conversation with him about the happenings. He tells me sorry and we have a pretty good conversation after that about helping out the younger kids and his dealing with frustration and anger. We drop off the other kids and continue on to drop off "John" where no one is there at his house. He becomes a little nervous, but is able to handle it while we wait for another 10 minutes for his auntie to come home. Needless to say when I got off the bus, I shed a few tears, feeling extremely inadequate, helpless, and drained.
So, the next morning, I am waiting for the school bus to pick me up, not sure if I'm ready to face these kids again. Feeling inadequate, a little scared, a little angry, drained, and not sure if I can greet the students, especially "Kurt" and "John." Needless to say, I was frustrated with them. When all of a sudden, I hear in my head, "My mercies are new every morning." And God gives me the mercy and strength to move on from that and greet them with a smile, a high five, or a hug. God reminded me that His mercies are new every morning for me. I screw up royally sometimes and rebel against him and he gives me his mercies again and again. God, miraculously, helped me to do the same with these kids. I'm also continually reminded of their unstable lives, which cause them to become unstable. If I were living their lives, I would probably be in their same boat.
A lot of days I feel helpless. Helpless to help the kids at school, helpless to help dear friends in pain and need, helpless to live this new life God calls us to. And when I feel helpless, I sometimes get down on myself, get frustrated, get angry. I want to be able to help, I want to be able to be a part of healing for people, and sometimes I realize that I can't. That's when God reminds me that I need to let go, that He is in control, that He ultimately does the healing and reminds that his mercies are new every morning for me.